These identities haunt us, causing us to carve into ourselves names, ideas and sensibilities not of our own making.We walk around in a dreamlike state believing that we are awake, hearing and telling lies, believing that they are truth.
I want to see in me what God sees, I want to discover me not in contrast to others but in others. When you begin to strip away the cloak of identities that have been imposed upon you and delve deep into yourself and ask yourself who am I really??
When you become more than your ascribed gender, colour, shape, nationality etc; You cease to belong to any one group but what happens is magical.
You become a part of everyone and everything around you, and suddenly when you look around you; people see themselves in you and you in them.
These boxes we have created for each other begin to disappear and we truly live in the joy of seeing each… I mean really seeing each other.
Strip away your labels and go out and discover who you are? Stay blessed.
I believe I have identified a pattern in my love life; looking back at my relationships. As professor Brene Brown says in her book The gifts of imperfection ” you cant unsee it once you’ve seen”.
The first thing I reflected on, is that in the beginning of any of my relationships I have this excitement that I have finally met an amazingly awesome person and there is no one else like him. It almost immediately turns into a self-critical comparison of whether I’m good enough to live up to his “amazing” person that just came into my life. Momentarily it seems everything about them is flawless and almost superhuman and I am left wondering how on earth am I ever going to measure up to them. What follows is anxiety over the lack of sms’s or calls and whether they compliment me or not? All of this is enough to drive a girl into a silly mental frenzy of things that have not-yet happened, how sad. I believe the saddest part is the downhill spiral of emotions that follows, even getting nightmares and staying up late at night thinking about how I can be better. Relationships are not easy, attracting the right ones seems even harder but I have only one finger pointed out to no one else but me!!
I take full responsibility for not loving myself, not appreciating myself and not celebrating myself as I should. I have caused myself so much pain, seeking love and healing from the outside first. The funny thing is that I have seen what happens when I am happy and fully present to myself and for myself. I recognize that no one is obligated to loving me and I cannot judge anyone on how they should to love or not to love me. I know now that the less I expect from others the less I judge my experiences as personal attacks on my soul and the easier and better the love experience becomes. Because anyone can love you but everyone’s love has its own timeline and its own expression. What has helped me is to look at the experiences and ask myself what are they teaching me about myself and how I am evolving?.
Looking back I think I am beginning to make progress in terms taking an honest look at my own role in relating to others. In one recent relationship where I fell very quickly for someone who began to draw a distance soon afterwards. I found myself having to take a sober step back to assess my own behaviour and how it contributed to the change in our relationship. What I found inside myself were deep fears that created an insecurity and a deep sense of loss , long before the relationship changed. My fear created a deep sense of alertness to anything that I felt made us distant and as a result I changed and experienced an uncomfortable reality of what was happening which changed our relating dynamic. Somehow there was an outer sunny me and an inner dark shadow that could turn a friendly relationship into a negative inner dialogue. Everything became heavy in spirit and I was no longer the person I was when we met.
I am thankful for this experience because it has allowed me to take a look at myself first and not the other person. I had to ask myself; what love is missing inside myself for me to fear losing it from others so much? Why did I think I could get from others what was not already in me?. I wanted companionship and yes I want a loving soul connection and attraction; you name it…I want it. The truth is that I had not yet come to a place where I felt I deserving of the love and appreciation I so much longed for.
If I do not fully appreciate myself and treat myself with love , how do I expect others to do it?. Before I can expect other people to see it and share their love I have to love myself in an uncompromising way. I have to celebrate myself first and focus on what I enjoy about me. As much as I want a relationship I’m gonna need time for myself, to find the love in me in a honest way and not doubt even when others shake me up. Honestly though the feeling of worthiness comes and goes and its going to take me some time.
I know that I am not where I want to be in terms of my own sense of what I am capable of becoming , I am trusting that I will get there though because
love self-love is all you need.
A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.
-Christopher K. Germer
Today I honestly am at a loss for words , feeling and even basic motivation to challenge this inner feeling of guilt and failure.
Why? I can’t say , its like my emotions move in tides like waves. What makes me it funny is the fact that somehow I brought myself to this place for no reason. I have had a great week, I just got accepted to be a delegate at a youth conference in Europe and I have a good career track record that will work well once I apply for internships.
So what could it be? The truth is that a part of me is intimidated by the idea of being in control and organized and actually seeing myself as a success. For such a long time I became comfortable with being a supporter , with not being the star, with being the funny, fat clumsy friend in the backgound. So I still have difficulty seeing myself as a reputable leader or as someone that is capable of managing and running any project from a dinner party to a birthday party, not to mention a real corporate project.
But I am here to say I am tired of sitting back !!!, because I am a winner , I was born a winner , I am a visionary and a dreamer. I hope that by the end of 2014 I would have come into my power , i really want to push myself into by strength and to live in my passion. This hill called CONFIDENCE is really steep for me and I hope to overcome it by the end of June 2014. I will continue to push my limits , through acceptance and the willingness to take criticism as an opportunity to seek change for the better.
Sometimes when our dreams are closest to us and we can see them come to us , it creates such fear and confusion that we almost want to push those dreams away because we don’t believe we are worthy. I want to step into my worthiness and by the grace of God I will achieve it. I wish it for you as-well, OPEN UP AND RECEIVE- accept that you are greatness personified.
Below i attached a song I feel captures my message to my own inner critic. 🙂
click on the words below–:) for a laugh TWO COWS.